Thursday, April 18, 2013

Snappin' Beaver

  There are many ferocious varmints that crawl along the Earth's pollen crusted floor.  Rats and their ickiness, porcupines and their uncuddlyness, groundhogs and their complete inneptness at meteorology.  Then there's the R.O.U.S's found lurking in New Orleans ghetto swimmin' holes.  But even they are taking a back seat to the badass beaver.  Like Jon Jones pummeling a skinny white guy in the Octagon or Chris Brown backhanding a semi-talented starlet, beavers are a DUI away from fucking up your shit.

  An amateur photographer in Belarus was killed recently when he tried to take picture of a wild beaver who was minding it's own business.  The beaver, obviously pissed that his privacy was being invaded, played possum then suddenly lunged at the Mensa tested photog biting him on his thigh.  Rupturing the main artery that goes from the leg to the asshole, the bigger asshole was unable to make it back to a hospital before he bleed to death.  You know things are fucked up when your beaver is bleeding someone elses blood, youknowhatimsayin?

  Beavers aren't to be fucked with, yoh!  They have one job to do, dammit.  One damn job.  And then Mr. Marlon Fuckin' Perkins gets up in his grill with his throwaway Nikon POS.  What's a beaver supposed to do, man?  He's on a schedule, bitch!  If he's not going to get that dam built, who will?  Raccoons?  Skunks?  Hedgehogs?  Fuck no!  One job!

You be up in muh biznass, son!

  Speaking of death by beaver, Lumpy Rutherford passed away today at the age of I really don't know.  He was just as bad as Eddie Haskell and deserved any lethal harm that went his way.  At least Eddie could kiss a little bit of ass.  Lumpy was just that, a lump of knowitall shit who talked down to the Beaver one time to many and, 50 years later, he got what he deserved.  If you're going to be an asshole, at least be a charming one.  It worked for Brett Ratner.

  So be warned white people, and yes there's no way that the photog wasn't white.  You're not going to see Devon Jackson walking around Lake WhiteyBeCracken taking action shots of beaver's beavers.  Beavers aren't taking this shit any longer.  Put the camera down.  Stay on the trail.  Mind your business, nothing to see here.  Beavers are pissed and they are putting their wood down on your narrow asses.  So the next time you take a picture of a wild beaver, don't be surprised that it will be a close up you didn't ask for. 


1 comment:

  1. after honey booboo i reccomend 2 hours of duck dynasty on a&e, particularly the beaver hunt episodes.