A Christian minister has crunched the numbers, looked at the 8 Ball, and in two hours, the Rapture begins. That's when the really devout, extra-sure-of-themselves fundamentalist Christians will just disappear — or as I call it, a win-win.
The World has now come to an end. It's ceases to exist, armageddon has settled in nicely and the human race has, with all due respect to Mike Tyson, reached Bolivia. Actually, today felt just like yesterday: another shitty day on a shitty planet surrounded by shitty people that do shitty things. The only thing that truly changes with the planet is some moron will find another date when the rapture begins. I'm guessing around the time the next Stephanie Meyer novel hits your Kindle.
Now the Mayan's are taking a lot of shit about their complete failure at completing a simple calendar, even though their calendar was more accurate than any white man came up with at the time. But this was truly a disappointment to many. Much like Prometheus, the hype just didn't match up with reality.
But the Mayan's deserve respect and forgetting about this end of the world nonsense is a good place to start. Time moves on and so will the planet, but let's not forget about some famous Mayans and what they have brought to the human race.
Pretty much the most famous poet this generation has seen and heard despite the fact the vast majority of people on Earth haven't actually read any of her work. Poetry, books, fortune cookies, this woman has been prolific in her writing endevours. Too bad most only remember because she was on that piece of shit Lisa Bonet sitcom back in the 80s. I'm sorry, but that show was shit. When you replace your star with NOBODY and the show still doesn't improve, you stink.
This little petite fireball was Rihanna before Rihanna, without the trailer park ghetto love story of abuse and denial. With hit songs like... ummm... does it matter? I'll be quite honest here. I have no idea what songs this woman has put out. All I know is that I've physically abused my lower half to many of her videos, and you don't need sound for that. That's what a mute button is for.
Almost famous and almost makes me give a damn, he is simply added to the list because his last name sounds like Maya and it makes sense to have at least one dude on the list. I mean, this ain't a column for "O" magazine. He's beaten the shit out of guys, guys have beaten the shit out of him. He's been on television a few times finishing off men with his reach around rear naked choke tap out arm bar leg thingy. That has to mean something, right?
One of the most underrated comedic talents of the last decade, Maya has done fantastic work on SNL and in bit parts of movies including the megahit Bridesmaids. Her mother, Minnie Riperton, sang the awful "Loving You", which takes away some points. But Maya's impersonations of Beyonce and Justin Guarini more than make up for it. And her godmother was Teena Marie! Plus she took a huge dump in a wedding dress in the middle of a street. C'mon!!!
Mayan people still exist today. Most idiots think they died from a plague, or god's will, or AIDS or something. But they still somewhat thrive in Latin America. I met a few of them while traveling in Belize a few years back. They are just simple, native people who live one day at a time just like us, even though they no longer have a calendar to see what day Cinco deMayo falls on this year.